I have been bound by fear. I have been tied to the depression and pain that comes along with being a victim of domestic abuse and molestation. I know what it feels like to walk in a room and panic from a sound or a smell. I know how hard it is to be in an environment where I didn’t know, I honestly just didn’t know. No peace, no sanity, no comfort, no understanding. I have questioned everything. I have been unsure my entire life and I have spent my life trying to figure out why.
Have you ever been sad and didn’t understand why? Speechless when you should be happy? Expressionless when you should have some sort of feeling to express? I have. I’ve lived this life so long that I don’t know where to go or what to do with the time that I have on this Earth. I just know 1 thing. I WANT MORE. I want to defeat the things that held me back for so long. The biggest question is how. The biggest reason is because I matter and I need it.
Nothing that I type is edited or professionally done because this is how my thoughts flow. I type them as they come out and hopefully a story is told in between those lines. I hope that at some point it makes sense. I pray that there is a day that I come back and see the things I typed with a sense of accomplishment. Overcoming is the goal and there is no deadline.
There are levels to this. The amount of progress that is made will be based on how much you can take which is called endurance. When you tolerate something it means you have reached a level of acceptance that can easily become settling. Don’t settle! Don’t get comfortable with going backwards or staying in one place. Tolerance shows your weakness! Open your mind. Stay true to you! Find what you are passionate about and follow through. You have it inside you, you just have to push that negative to the side and enjoy the peace of mind. You can do this, you are capable of it all. Prove it to yourself. No one else matters.
“The Nature of a person shows itself when pressure is applied.”
Sticks and Stones definitely really hurt but your words can destroy someone. -Me
I’m beginning to feel like this is me. I am this void of the being I once was. She was happy, giving and understanding above everything. She was so willing to take on battles that seemed to heavy for others because in turn they would do it for her, right? The peace in knowing that someone has their back was important to her. The idea that people give a fuck actually was a fantasy. This dream was pushed into her mind at a very young. Even after seeing disappointment and pain, she believed it was possible. Every time she was broken, she was put back together with no regard for if the pieces has cracks. She was broken. She was beaten. She was destroyed. Then she was glued back together with pieces being forced into places they shouldn’t be but any words would only get her broken again. She grew to accept that this pieces just had to be there. She grew to feel that if she spoke too much she would be broken and more unadded ppieces would be applied with the glue that dried so slowly that pieces that didn’t fit just ruined the image.
She was found by someone that had unwanted pieces as well. He had so many broken pieces that she stopped thinking about hers. She wanted to slowly remove his pieces and help him regain the image he once had. Piece by piece she was able to show him that those pieces could be removed. He just never cared about hers. He never wanted her to be a better image because it would be easier to weigh her down with his and keep her. He could prove that her image was just enough for him but he would never truly be satisfied. He would rather tall about her extra pieces and break her just enough for him to add some of his old toxic pieces. She was his little project. She was a toy that could be broken and remodeled.
When 2 people come together and neither of them know what love is, you end up with pain. You end up with 2 people that have 2 separate ideas of love and that is a Clash of the Titans. In some cases you can grow within and find themselves through the lack of things in their relationship or someone will get destroyed.